[***]
[BEACH BOYS' "I GET AROUND" PLAYING]
* I get around, yeah *
* Get around round round I get around *
* I get around *
* Get around round round I get around *
* From town to town *
* Get around round round I get around *
* I'm a real cool head *
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
[PANTING]
Yep, one more payment and you're all mine.
Hi, Daddy.
I saw you pushing the car. Doesn't it work?
Well, sure it does, honey.
It was just such a nice day,
I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car,
like all those other jerks on the expressway.
Of course it doesn't work.
Honey, if you saw Dad pushing it,
why didn't you come and give me a hand?
Well, it looked pretty boring.
I mean you were going so slow and everything.
You know, a person could get a heart attack
pushing a car in this heat.
And then you gotta think about Mom.
What would she do if she lost both of us?
If you kick, it's okay 'cause she can always marry again,
but if I went--
Kelly, honey!
Forget about it, okay?
Just give old Dad a chance
to push his spleen back through his navel.
Hey, Dad.
Saw you pushing the old car.
Me and my friends
never thought you'd make it up the hill.
Did you ever think about helping old Dad?
In this heat?
You know, you kids have been so great.
Why don't you just hop in the car,
and I'll push the two of you down to the ice cream parlor.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, and push it fast so we look cool, okay?
Dad, why don't we just get a new car?
Bud, you don't throw something away
just 'cause it doesn't work.
If that was the case, you wouldn't have a mother.
Now, let's find exactly what is wrong with this car.
[GRUNTS]
Ah, ya stinking old pile of junk.
Junk pile.
Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
Kelly, we already got ice cream,
and we're home.
Get out of the car.
I didn't get any.
Kelly, get back in the car.
Bud, did you get ice cream?
BUD: Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
Where was I?
Kelly, honey, can you hear me?
[HORN HONKS]
Ow!
Good, good.
Now, honey, when I say "now,"
turn it over,
and try not to honk the horn, okay?
[HORN HONKS]
That meant "okay," Daddy.
Good, good.
Are you sure you know
what you're doing in there?
You know, Bud,
you're starting to sound like your mother.
Uh-huh, yeah.
I see there's some dirt on the round thing.
All right, I think I got it.
Kelly, turn it on.
Uh, Dad, you might want to tell Kelly
to use the key,
or she might start rubbing up against it.
Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud.
She's not an idiot.
Use the key, honey.
[WEAK ENGINE NOISE]
It's no use. I know that sound.
That's a death rattle.
I make it myself every morning.
Go in the house.
Get out of the car, Kelly.
Get in the car. Get out of the car.
You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates.
They promise me ice cream too,
but they never give me any.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Bud.
Hi, Peg.
And before you say hi to the milkman, it's me.
I know.
I have a nose.
By the way, honey,
I saw you pushing your car home.
Doesn't it work?
Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home,
why didn't you help me?
Well, I saw the kids out there,
and I figured if they weren't going to help, why should I?
Kids, I have a little family announcement to make,
but since I don't have an actual family,
I'll say it to you.
I have decided that it's time
for me to buy a new car.
Oh, that's great! A new car!
I want a Cadillac.
I want a Ferrari.
I want a Porsche.
Your wishes mean nothing to me.
It's going to be my car,
and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Yeah, just don't get another weenie-mobile.
If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile.
At least it'll be a new weenie-mobile.
A new car at last.
Anything I've ever owned has been used.
My car, my house, my...
Kids, today you're going to witness
the last great American tradition.
Daddy's buying a new car,
and I wanted my family to share the experience.
Well, then, shouldn't we have brought Mom?
Let her get her own family.
Hey, Dad, you going to tell us what's in the box now?
Ten years of my life, son.
Hm. It's an awful big box for that, Dad.
"Oh, an awful big box."
Do you think that Dad likes to be reminded
that the last decade of his life
is one big goose egg,
a vast wasteland,
a black hole from which hope
can neither enter nor escape?
Shut up and humor him like we do on Father's Day, okay?
You're the greatest, Daddy!
Yeah, Dad,
you're the "bestest" Dad in the whole, wide world.
Now, tell us more about your magic shoe.
It's not a shoe, you dolts.
You're looking at $5,000.
Mine, animals.
Took me 10 years to save for this.
Cutting corners for years,
using the same razor blade,
using the same TV guide,
reusing the same mouthwash.
And now, finally, the fruits of my suffering.
Well,
I thought we were the fruits of your suffering, Daddy.
No, you're the vegetables of my suffering.
But anyhow, I buried my box so deep in the backyard
that the devil himself, your mother,
could not find it.
And this is my new car!
BUD: Oh, yeah.
Get in.
Ah.
Take a deep breath, kids.
[INHALING SOUND]
That's enough. You're sucking up all the new.
What do you think, kids?
Well, I don't know.
There's not a lot of room back here.
Well...
that might be because
you're not lying down like usual.
Hey, Dad, don't forget to buy
a "neutered boy on board" sticker.
Oh, yeah, and rubber seats,
you know, for his little problem.
Yeah, well,
I guess this will be okay.
Ah, I don't care.
I'm in a new car, and I'm still alive.
Oh, God.
Now kids, wait till the salesman comes over here.
You'll see old Dad wheel and deal then.
Were you wheeling and dealing
when you sold our old car for a ride over here?
Hey, Dad?
If he won't deal, show him some leg.
I got a Walkman for 5 bucks once.
Lie down, Kelly.
Can I help you, sir?
Yeah, the sticker on this says $15,000,
but, uh, how much is it really?
Fifteen thousand.
Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. Uh...
I give you 10.
Great!
But if you want the car, it'll be 15.
Let's say 12. Fifteen.
Fourteen. Fifteen.
Okay, but I want you to throw in
air-conditioning, no charge. Nope.
Okay, but I want you to throw in a stereo. Nope.
Undercoating. Uh-uh.
Okay.
But I'm not driving out of here
till I have a wooden gearshift knob, no extra cost.
Let me think.
Hey, Vince.
Yup.
How much is a plastic wooden-gearshift knob?
Twenty-five cents.
I give it to you for 50 bucks.
Deal, sucker!
[LAUGHING]
How do you intend to pay?
Well, how does a $5,000 deposit sound?
Bud, peel him off 5 big ones.
Well, I'd love to, Dad,
but all you got is $800.
Is that all?
Well, that and a red hair.
Hello, snookums.
Peg, I wanna talk to you.
Yeah, well, actually, I wanna talk to you too.
Can we have a maid?
This place is such a mess.
God.
Peg, let me ask you something.
In your travels in the back yard,
say about eight paces from the tree,
twelve-feet down.
Did you ever find a box,
with, say, oh, about, uh,
$5,000 in it?
Was that yours?
Yes.
Where do you think it came from?
Well, I just figured that, uh,
before the white man settled the area,
the Indians buried it there.
Uh-huh.
Well, why would theIndians
write "Al" on the box?
Well,
I just thought that, uh, someone killed the guy
before he wrote,
"A lot of money for whoever finds it."
Well, then, I guess I have some bad news for me.
See, that was my new car fund, Peg,
a long, long time ago.
Peg, how could you spend $4,200?
Well, you remember when you yelled at me
'cause there wasn't any juice in the house?
Well, I took some money, and I bought you juice.
And a coat for me.
And then, remember when you demanded dinner?
Well, I took some more money
and I bought you a bucket of chicken.
And a coat for Mom.
And then the rest of it,
well, I have to admit, I spent foolishly.
Honey, could you come out in the back yard with me?
I have the urge to bury something else.
You are really mad about this?
You know, if anyone should be mad, it's me.
You're the one who's hiding money from me.
You would've spent it.
Then why are you acting so surprised?
Well, I hope you're happy, Al.
Now I'm all tense.
Well, look, honey, you've got $800.
Why don't we spend it on the two of us?
You know, what do you say, juice and a fur coat?
Well, you know, I do have some good news, Al.
One of the girls at the beauty parlor
said that she would buy your old car for $1100.
You've made a wise choice, Mr. and Mrs. Whiteman.
This is the last one we have in stock.
Pretty good deal too at 12-thou.
Well, nothing's too good for our Lewis.
Lewis got a "C" in Francais.
I want a Maserati.
You will take this and like it!
I hate you!
Kids, heh, heh.
Come on.
What can we do for you, sir?
Oh, yeah, the shoebox man.
Hey, look, why don't we face facts?
You're just not a new-car kind of guy.
Why don't you get yourself a nice used car.
I don't want a used car.
I want a new car, like the little boy.
You can't have one.
All right. I know you're right.
I'm sorry for wasting all your time.
[SIGHS]
Get out!
Hey, man!
[STARTS ENGINE]
Hey!
Get out of that car!
No, no, it's mine. It's my car.
I worked for it.
No, you can't take it, please.
Ask him, the kid don't even want it.
Twenty years I've toiled by the sweat of my brow.
Whiteman, Whiteman, listen.
That kid is a monster.
He don't like the car. Ask him!
Buy me one, please.
I'd be proud to call you "Daddy."
Take it easy now, pal.
Come on, settle down, big fella. Come on.
Here, here, take this card.
Now, it's got the address of a good used-car lot.
Now, you tell them I sent you.
They'll treat you right.
[WALKABOUTS' "POOR SIDE OF TOWN" PLAYING]
* So welcome back, baby *
*To the poor side of town *
* To him you ain't nothin' *
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
Aw. Hi, honey.
I saw you pushing
your new car up the street.
How do you like it?
Well, it pushes pretty smooth,
but, uh, it's a little rough
passing on the expressways,
but, uh, the handling more than makes up for it.
Sit down, honey.
You're not happy with your car, are you?
Well, you know, maybe I've been--
[SIGHS]
[WRENCHING SOUND]
That's better.
Anyway, maybe I've been a little selfish.
I mean, you are the breadwinner,
and you work very hard,
and you deserve to have a good car.
So I'm going to do something for you
that I should've done in the first place.
You're going to get a job
and pay me back the $4200 you stole from me?
Oh, Al, you're a crackup.
Anyway,
what I am going to do
is I'm gonna give you the number of a guy
that can give you a great deal on a good used car
He's the son of the guy that I buy my shoes from.
Just mention my name.
He'll treat you like a king.
["KING OF THE ROAD" PLAYING]
* I'm a man of means By no means *
* King of the Road *
* Third boxcar Midnight train *
* Destination Bangor, Maine *
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
Ah, no. Why? What have I done?
Am I not fit to die?
PEGGY: Daddy's home!
Whoo! Good choice, honey.
It's a much lighter car.
Yeah, I can almost pull this one.
Dad, wouldn't it be a lot easier
to walk to work without the car?
Oh, come on, Bud. Don't be stupid.
It's way too far for Daddy to walk without a car.
You know, I can't believe he cheated you.
Well, that's it! I am getting in this car
and you are pushing me back down there
so I can give this guy a piece of my mind.
Get in the car, kids.
Okay, um, Daddy?
I know it's a few miles out of the way,
but could we stop at Samantha's house?
'Cause I told her
that we could give her a ride to the airport.
BUD: Dad, could we drop me at the mall?
All right, everybody, let's hold it right there.
Now how long have I know you guys,
what, about 200-300 years?
In that time,
I have learned to do without several things:
a yacht,
a summer home,
love, respect, food.
I can accept that.
But I will live not one more day
without a car that runs.
So, no more advice.
I will go find my own used-car lot,
and if I come home tonight,
God willing,
it will be behind the wheel
of something that goes "vroom."
Al Bundy pushes no more.
Now get out of my car.
Now, get along the side
and help me push this car.
Let's go. Let's go.
That's it. That's it.
See? It's much better with a little help.
Now, Peg, it's your job, very important,
when we get to the bottom of the hill
that you get on the brakes and stop the car.
It's very important.
[RICKY NELSON'S "I'M WALKING" PLAYING]
* I'm walking Yes indeed *
* I'm talking Like you and me *
* I'm hoping That you'll come back to me *
* I'm lonely As I can be *
* And I've waited For your company *
* I'm hoping That you'll come back to me *
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
[HONKING HORN]
Daddy, you're driving!
You're darn right I am.
[LAUGHING]
Well, what do you think?
It looks like your old car.
Peg, that just goes to show how little you know about cars.
My old car had 99,000 miles on it.
This one's only got, uh...
Eighteen.
Kids, what did we learn from this?
That this car was only driven
one mile per year?
No! That with a little care,
we can still find a very good used car
that drives like a dream.
I'm telling you, Peg,
this baby fits me like a glove.
Even the radio stations,
they're tuned into all the old channels that I like.
Sure, it was a little more expensive,
but they were willing to finance,
and in three years, this baby'll be all mine!
Let's go.
Yep, Al Bundy finally won one.
[***]